January 18, 2007

Confessions from the Carpool

Settling in to a new year: Can you teach an old dog new tricks?

By Shana Moore
Times Columnist

There are so many statements that trigger the Duh reflex: Winter is cold. Sitting all day makes you fat. Change is hard. And when you lace these profound declarations together like the running shoes collecting cobwebs in my closet, it pretty much sums up why I broke my new year’s resolutions a mere 11 hours after midnight this year.

Legally speaking, I can probably claim an exemption based on one small technicality—I never actually said or even really mulled over the idea of exercising every morning and never eating fast food again. But when one has to try on six pairs of pants before finding a pair that won’t squeeze the party right out of her on New Year’s Eve, sometimes the resolutions are implied.

Let’s face it—if your pant button pops before the champagne cork does, it’s time for a plan.

For the record, that plan should not begin with a long winter lie-in followed by a Double-Double burger with grilled onions. Take it from me. With that kind of launch party, In N’ Out will more accurately describe my next dressing-room experience than it does my favorite burger joint.

Before you try to console me with the fact that 11n hours of restraint isn’t so bad, please note that I was only awake for one of them. With that kind of willpower, I shouldn’t have promised myself anything that didn’t involve elastic waistbands or the removal of all full-length mirrors in the house.

The only excuse I can dig up sounds as clichéd as my broken resolutions: You can’t teach an old dog new tricks. Funny, though, how the expression finally makes real sense to me. I’m sure I thought it was a crock of kibble when I was younger. Either that or I thought it was for the gray-faced pooches who limped three steps before taking a rest. I certainly never thought it could describe spry-ish little me a few months before my 40th birthday. After all, I still have plenty of wag left in my tail—too bad I don’t mean this only in the perky sense.

Nevertheless, the only trick Fido here was up for on New Year’s Day, and most days since, was the tried and true “sit.”

Though I’ve done very little about it, I have started noticing how much seat time I squeeze into a day. Unlike when my kids were toddlers and I kept them and myself in perpetual motion, I now find every occasion to pull up a chair. Whether I’m working at my computer, snacking on trail mix, supervising spelling homework, or waiting for water to boil, I find it so much more enjoyable to do so while taking the proverbial load off.

This was particularly clear to me last weekend when I was invited to a friend’s house for one of those quaint little parties where you’re encouraged to visit with friends and empty your wallet at the very same time. I was on my very best behavior, sitting on the couch, as the salesperson invited us to pamper ourselves with fruity gels, lotions, and potions. It was truly a mother’s delight—until she had to discuss the benefits of the peppermint foot scrub.

As she described how the cool grains invigorated tired feet that had been worn out from a hard day’s work, I looked around the room at my friends. I couldn’t help but chuckle to myself that, given our current age and stage of life, there probably wasn’t a tired set of dogs in the room. While I refrained from shouting out: “Hey, lady, move on to the next product: we spend our days hopping from minivan chair to desk chair to kitchen table chair,” I did share my discovery, as I would have any great shopping find, with my pals. Fortunately for me, what could have cast a sad mood on our home spa experience was immediately lightened when my friend, Jamie, chimed in with a question for the sales rep: Can the peppermint scrub be used where we would need it most?

While most of us cackled from our chairs, I did notice a few gals spring up and take some laps around the living room. And it wasn’t because they were propelled by a new use of invigorating peppermint, either. These gals were actually on their 288th hour of willpower and restraint. Impressive.

If they keep it up, I think admiringly, they will be In N’ Out of their fat pants while I am still sitting in the drive-thru line waiting for my next burger.

Shana McLean Moore lives in Almaden Valley and is the co-author of “Femail: A Comic Collision in Cyberspace” and the author of “Caffeinated Ponderings on Life, Laughter & Lattes.” For more information visit Moore’s Web site at www.caffeinatedponderings.com.