January 15, 2009

TIMES HUMOR: BOROWITZ REPORT

Obama poised to become most sucked-up to President in history

Suckage reaching new heights, historians say

When he is inaugurated on January 20, President-elect Barack Obama is on track to become the most butt-kissed president in the nation's history, some historians believe.

Those experts say that with conservative pundits and evangelists scurrying to hop aboard the Obama bandwagon, in addition to the liberal talking heads who have been kissing his rear for months, the President-elect’s buttocks are being sucked to a degree that is without precedent.

“Abraham Lincoln is perhaps our country's greatest president,” says Doris Kearns Goodwin, noted historian and author of the bestselling Team of Rivals, “but he never had his fanny kissed like this.”

At MSNBC, a top executive announced today that the news network would suspend its regular programming between now and the Inauguration “to administer one long, glorious kiss to President-elect Barack Obama.”

The network's new promos reflect this agenda, as a disembodied voice asks the viewer, “Do you remember the moment when you fell in love with Barack Obama?”

At the final press conference of his presidency, George W. Bush ruefully contrasted his treatment by the press with the historic level of suckage being bestowed on the President-elect's buttal region.

“You people never kissed my hiney like you're kissing his, and you know it,” Mr. Bush said. “As far as I'm concerned, you bastards can all go to hell.”

Mr. Bush later struck an elegiac note, saying that he was considering several options for his retirement, including a return to full-time drinking.

For more from Andy Borowitz go to www.borowitzreport.com. Andy Borowitz is a nationally syndicated humor columnist whose work can be found in Newsweek and other publications.