January 13, 2005

TIMES HUMOR: BOROWITZ REPORT

Survey Spells Trouble for Dems, Pollster Says

A new survey of Democratic voters indicates that in a hypothetical match-up between Sen. Hillary Clinton (D-NY) and former presidential nominee John Kerry, most Democrats would choose suicide over either candidate.

The poll, conducted by the University of Minnesota’s Opinion Research Institute, shows Mr. Kerry drawing 21 percent, Sen. Clinton 18 percent, and various forms of suicide 61 percent.

“Throwing yourself in front of a speeding city bus” was the most popular means of suicide at 22 percent, with “jumping off the roof of a really tall building or bridge” coming in second at 17 percent.

According to pollster Rockwell Pritchard, the surging popularity of suicide bodes ill for both Sen. Clinton and Sen. Kerry as potential presidential candidates in 2008.

“It’s still very early, but even at this stage of the game the prospect of one of those two being nominated shouldn’t be making Democrats want to kill themselves in these numbers,” Mr. Pritchard said.

Reached at his home in Massachusetts, Sen. Kerry pointed out that while he does as well as suicide, he still polled higher than Sen. Clinton, adding, “That’s better than a sharp stick in the eye.”

But Mr. Pritchard was quick to throw cold water on Mr. Kerry’s upbeat assessment: “In a head-to-head match-up, a sharp stick in the eye beats Sen. Kerry by a two-to-one margin.”

Elsewhere, at his confirmation hearings yesterday, Attorney General nominee Alberto Gonzales said, “You call this an interrogation? Where the heck are the hoods?”


Andy Borowitz is a nationally syndicated humorist. Visit www.Borowitzreport.com for more of his columns. Purchase THE BOROWITZ REPORT: THE BIG BOOK OF SHOCKERS, only $8.96 at Amazon.com.