January 1, 2009

TIMES HUMOR: BOROWITZ REPORT

Recession results in worst presents ever

Shoddy crafts, baked goods dominate holiday giving

The recession in the U.S. has just racked up another casualty, the tradition of giving decent gifts for the holidays, with many Americans reporting that they have received the worst Christmas gifts in recent memory.

With fewer holiday dollars in their wallets, cash-strapped consumers are resorting to giving such unwanted holiday gifts as shoddy homemade crafts and crumbling baked goods.

And as the wave of crappy giving spreads across the country, it is creating a reaction of outrage and anger from those it was intended to please: the recipients.

“I opened a present this morning, thinking maybe it was a laptop or something, and it turned out to be a framed Wal-Mart photo of my nephews,” said Harland Dorinson of Topeka. “Talk about a way to wreck the holidays.”

Mr. Dorinson said he wished that the crappy photo were an isolated example, but it wasn't: “Whether it's homemade scrapbooks, stupid-looking wreaths with pinecones glued to them or stale little gingerbread men, every present I've gotten this year sets a new record for crappiness.”

Davis Logsdon, who tracks the decline in the quality of holiday gifts at the University of Minnesota, says there is a lesson to be learned from Christmas 2008’s meager gift offerings.

“It’s true that it’s the thought that counts,” Dr. Logsdon said. “But if all you’re going to give is some stupid hand-knit scarf, like the one my sister-in-law just gave me, that's a pretty crappy thought.”

For more from Andy Borowitz go to www.borowitzreport.com. Andy Borowitz is a nationally syndicated humor columnist whose work can be found in Newsweek and other publications.